I try not to expect too much from other people. High expectations will only lead to disappointment, and it’s not fair to rely on others for things that I should be able to do.
I guess the difference now is that I can’t do as many of the things that I used to be able to do on my own.
For the most part, I’ve found ways to adapt to my temporary mobility difficulties: like using my spinny-wheelie desk chair to help me get around the house, my crutches to help me get around campus and strategically placing chairs in the kitchen/bathroom area. I’ve figured out how to do my washing up without being able to properly stand and I’ve still been able to liaise with the landlord and landlady to get the boiler fixed (yeah, that was another thing that went wrong last week).
Unless I ask for it, I generally don’t expect anyone else to help me but that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate help being offered. If I go as far as actively asking someone for help then I genuinely need it.
My pessimistic worldview means that I’m nearly always pleasantly surprised when someone does offer to help without being prompted. The kindness of my family, friends and random people on campus has been lovely.
Years ago I came across this thought experiment (don’t really know if that’s the right term for it but there you go): you’re laying on your deathbed, ready to leave this world for the next. How would you like people to remember you?
Your answer to this question supposedly reveals what values are important to you. My answer was, and still is, that I want to be remembered as a good friend.
I do try to be. Like many things in life, it’s not always easy and I’ve had to learn to balance my own life concerns alongside my concerns for others. I’m not sure how well I do that sometimes.
Whenever I get frustrated by my talkative friend’s tactlessness I remind myself that I’m not supposed to do good things for the appreciation of others; I’m supposed to do them because I want to be a good person (and yes, that philosophy is partly inspired by The Good Place, a Netflix show that you should all totally watch). I’m not doing it for a reward, I’m doing it because it’s, hopefully, the right thing to do. If it feels fulfilling (which it often does) then that’s an added bonus.
Appreciation doesn’t hurt, but it’s not guaranteed. Sometimes people don’t realise what you’ve done or they do, but don’t like it; it’s important to recognise that trying to help doesn’t always make things better.
You have to know and understand your audience to succeed in helping them. People don’t like to be thought of as a charity case or the “needy one” and you overtly helping them can sometimes endorse that view. Sometimes what you need to do, especially in the case of foreign aid, is find a way for the individuals in need to help themselves. Empowerment is so important and having a sense of independence contributes massively to it.
The poshest, most expensive hotel that my family stayed at in Madagascar employed locals. The money from tips was always equally split between all staff members. It might’ve been a deprived area but the locals worked for their money and they were proud to receive it, and to be a part of the hotel workforce, as far as we could tell. The money from the hotel vastly contributed to the area but it was respected by the locals because they weren’t treated as a charity case.
Similarly, when I was volunteering in Laos, the people who led our volunteer group had spent the best part of a month there communicating with the locals and figuring out how to best help them. I’ve heard stories about untrained volunteers going abroad to build crappy houses which the locals have had to rebuild overnight, but that was never the case with us in Laos.
We were there to assist local construction workers by doing grunt work. We were never the experts; our job was to help the local experts get stuff done. We helped to paint and sand a school and we helped to shift materials to the conservation area. Even when we were teaching kids English, it was done in conjunction with a local teacher. The work wasn’t necessarily pretty, interesting or easy at times but it’s not supposed to be because it’s not about you; it’s about them (check your ego and check your privilege).
That being said, it’s important to recognise your limits. Volunteering may be about them, but if you’re not willing or capable of putting in the effort to help, then you should have a long hard think about why exactly it is you’re doing what you’re doing.
It’s important to look after yourself and to only do what you’re comfortable with (especially if it’s unpaid work that you’re doing of your own free volition!). You won’t be of any use to anyone if you burn out and, if you realise that you don’t want to be there in the first place, then you’re probably better off following that instinct. Recognise what you want and are trying to achieve, even if it’s something as small as experiencing a new environment, before you start pushing yourself for it.
At the end of the day, I have to try and be patient with myself. The world is a shitty place and I can’t solve all of its problems or all of my friend’s problems in one fell swoop, but I can help make things a little easier. I can try, and I can listen. If it turns out that I’m not helping, then I’ve got plenty of time to figure out how to adjust my technique before I hit deathbed age, with any luck!
Let’s try something new. You know that thought experiment I mentioned? Try it out (don’t die obviously, that would be bad. You are reading this so I’m sure that you must be pretty amazing. Anyway, I said it was a thought experiment. You know what that means right? Ahem. I need to stop writing in brackets so much shit always goes wild in here)!
Comment on this post with how you would like to be remembered. 🙂
randomsongwriter 