Musicking everywhere

I am doing all the music things at the moment and it feels great! My second album comes out on the first of July, my third EP comes out a month later, I’m currently working on mixes for a few different songs, and I’ve now sung with rock choir in 2 different parades (I have my fourth rock choir gig in my hometown on Sunday)!

I originally intended to release my second album last year, if I recall correctly, but it got held up. This means I’m in the slightly surreal position of being better at mixing now than I was when I originally produced the album. I can hear how I would mix parts of it differently today, because good audio production is one of those things you only learn through a lot of practise and listening. I suspect my second EP is better mixed than my second album because of that, but I’m quietly hoping that no one will notice.

Either way, I’ll be over the moon to finally get it out there. I was originally going to excitedly post about my album on all platforms, especially since I’ve talked about the making of my UX song on LinkedIn in the past, but I’m a little hesitant about the reception of that particular song when I’m about to start a new UX role. I may hold off on that bit of marketing just to be on the safe side. All other social media platforms are fair game though!

The crappy free site I use to distribute my tracks to streaming platforms has built a few marketing tools. The only one that interests me is the one that allows me to generate a presave link for upcoming releases AKA a way people can save my music to their Spotify account, for example, in advance of the official release date. The release will then autoplop into their music feed and notify them of its existence when it is out. That’s my understanding of it, anyway.

I’m crap at self-promotion but I feel like I should try a bit more with something like this. A second album feels like a milestone to me, especially when it’s got 14 tracks in it (I don’t skimp on the tunes). This does mean, however, that I need to come up with things to talk about in the lead up to the release. I should attempt to generate hype on Instagram and all that. I could do a bit of behind the scenes info, a quick trivia quiz on how many of the 14 songs are about work, and whatever else I can think of. Maybe find some way to collaborate with my creative friends for ideas and reach – we shall see.

First things first, I need to come up with a music description for my album that can go with the presave link. I’ve already enlisted my guitar teacher (who was once a journalist) friend’s help in polishing that, because it’s fucking difficult to sum up such a random collection of songs shunted into one album.

My second album covers my usual breadth of: pop-rock, folk, trance and at least one random experimental thing I don’t know the genre of. There’s a reason I decided to tag the overarching album as “singer-songwriter” and “alternative”. I don’t know how else to sum up my genre hopping. It’ll be interesting to see how it goes down with listeners.

Public sector, here I come!

I GOT A PROVISIONAL JOB OFFER!

I figured I should open with that because holy fuck!? Even though I did my best in the interview, I didn’t think I was gonna get the role (researchers who literally conduct interviews for a living have good pokerfaces y’know). I’ve heard so many terrible things about the current job market for my industry, I’m a researcher who looks a bit like a designer on paper, and I’ve never worked in the public sector before.

There’s usually someone more experienced than me in the candidate lineup or someone who’s a better fit or better at talking the talk in interview situations, so I opened the email from the recruiter without reading the subject line, automatically expecting another rejection. I squealed very loudly when I realised that it wasn’t one.

I get to finally work in a public sector organisation as a researcher, doing work that is fucking impactful, in a place that values research and accessibility!? I still, somehow, feel woefully underqualified for the role, but I don’t care anymore. I can think on my feet and figure it out. This is exactly the career opportunity I wanted.

I had a call with the recruiter today. I made sure to Google salary negotiation advice beforehand and subsequently decided against attempting a negotiation. I mean, maybe I should’ve, but it didn’t really feel like an option to me. Reddit seemed to suggest that there’s no point trying that for the particular organisation I applied to, I don’t want to risk accidentally pushing too hard in the current job market, and the way the recruiter spoke about my salary on the phone sounded pretty final (then again, it’s probably good business sense for her to sound that way). The salary bands on the job ad were clear, and I don’t mind starting at the lowest rate of around £39k. That feels like plenty of money to me. I mean, it’s more than a lot of my friends earn and they generally get out more than I do.

Also, I kinda don’t care how much I’m paid, so long as I earn enough to live on. I didn’t want to go lower than £28k if I could help it, and was looking at £30k+ jobs. I was on £44k at my previous job, but that was in the kinda city where you automatically get paid more cause of how expensive everything is. I expected to take a pay cut moving into the public sector, especially for a job I was surprised I was qualified enough to land.

There will be opportunities for progression and pay conversations later on down the line when I’ve had time to prove my worth to them and remind myself of it in practical terms. They literally provisionally hired me. That has to mean something. I can fucking do this and, if I can’t, I will figure something out. It’s just a job. It’s not the end of the world. I have a life and hobbies outside of work and I refuse to let my 9-5 ruin me.

I officially accepted my provisional job offer yesterday. It’s provisional because of the security clearance and employment checks that will take place over the next 4-6 weeks. So long as that all goes okay and they don’t randomly decide to stop hiring, I basically have the job. I don’t want to celebrate properly until I have the bare minimum of a start date though. 

That being said though, the euphoria feels pretty fantastic. I get to be unemployed guilt-free for a little while! I can do the things I enjoy without feeling like I’m being unproductive, I don’t have to worry my way through the stress of the job hunt and JSA appointment requirements, and I can be a bit less tense about managing my finances (within reason).

I am also really feeling the satisfaction of not fucking taking the director of product up on his generic offer of post-redundancy job help. Motherfucker I didn’t need your help. I never hit the wall hard enough to stoop as low as asking the person who got me into the redundancy mess for help. I’m doing just fine on my own with the sources of help, assistance and support that I actually trust, thank you very much!

I was made redundant in March and got a job offer from my second post-redundancy interview approximately 3 months later, despite the shitty job market. I am either truly ozzum or very lucky – I am choosing to believe that this is a combination of those 2 things. I thought it would take me much longer to find something (then again, I do tend to picture the worst case scenario for situations and work backwards from there so I have an idea of what to do if the worst happens).

My polymath friend was right: job stuff really does come in waves.

Everything

It’s been a strange few weeks and I feel like I should probably force myself to reflect on that beyond this sentence.

I am writing this second sentence at 5AM cause my sleep schedule is fucked and I can’t stop thinking about something that happened earlier today and how I could’ve handled it better. Who knows what time it will be once I’ve finished writing this blog post. I get the feeling that sleep may not occur tonight.

I had my first interview since being made redundant a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t get the job. I was not surprised about that.

I had another interview for a different company a week later. They tried to make the recruitment process inclusive by sending me the interview questions in advance. Unfortunately, seeing those questions and trying to prep a task-based 10 minute presentation for the interview panel sent me into a severe impostor syndrome spiral. I wrote a song about the mental anguish of it and everything. I had to have at least one hour-long call with my ex-mentor friend to help me break down the problem and pull me out of my stupor.

In the end, the interview went as well as it was going to. I did my best. I don’t think I’ll get the role, but I’m due to find out for certain by the end of this week.

I used to try and post on LinkedIn once a week, but I’ve temporarily stopped doing that. I can’t think of anything interesting to say on there that is related to my career. The parts of my life that I love at the moment are nearly all music related. It’s almost enough to make me consider a more creative career trajectory.

Almost.

I can’t afford the financial insecurity and stress of living the starving artist life, not when I’m breadwinner of the flat. Also, I’m not good enough at networking to make it as a starving artist. I’m shy and awkward; I talk too quietly very fast; and, well, this is an unrelated general critique of my person but I need to lose some fucking weight.

Outside of job things, here’s some other stuff that’s happened since my last blog post:

• My logical friend and I tried to help in the aftermath of what might’ve been a hit and run (I didn’t see the collision, just a cyclist stumbling away from a taxi bleeding). It was my first time calling emergency services.
• I had my first in-person product research testing session and got £60 out of it!
• I watched the Spirited Away play with my fashion friend and her boyfriend. We also ate some very nice sushi (he seems to know all the good food places in the big city).
• I performed in what I consider to be my most chaotic rock choir gig yet. We did the rock choir version of “flash mobbing” a samba band parade (they got very into it, drumming along and demanding an encore), were recorded and broadcast on live radio, and ended up briefly leading the parade even though we didn’t know where we were going.
• I won free lifetime access to 2 mixing courses of my choice from a female sound engineer that I admire.
• I caught up with an ex-work colleague (the woman I onboarded into the company I was made redundant from) and learned that she’s 2 months pregnant! The only reason she’s sticking with her current job is for the benefits. She doesn’t plan on telling anyone at work about her pregnancy till the last possible minute and I can’t say I blame her. It doesn’t sound like they’re treating her particularly well.
• My new EP is finally out!

No wonder my brain is buzzing – so much has happened over the past few weeks! Maybe sleep will come now that I’ve written it all out.

Job hunt cycle

I get stuck in this cycle of dread sometimes where even good news feels scary.

Over the last week or so, I completed a research plan task for one job application, have been asked to complete a 10 minute presentation on a task for an upcoming hour-long panel interview for another job application (I deliberately booked the farthest away interview timeslot to give me ample panicking time), and a session musician website I applied to 2 months ago recently got back to me asking me to continue to fill out their application form if I’m still interested (apparently they’d been updating their site or something, hence the slow reply).

These are all good things, but each of them induced a wall of panic after the initial euphoria of “oh my god I finally got somewhere?!”. I think I spent long enough having my applications unacknowleged and rejected that I began to internalise the idea that maybe I’m not good enough or experienced enough for any of these positions. Now I have to work my way around that panic to become functional enough to progress with my different applications. I don’t know how to write my artist bio, but I guess I’m gonna figure it out.

2 months into my redundancy unemployment and I’m finally starting to receive something other than outright rejections and ghosting. That’s not terrible, I think, considering how horrendous the current job market is?

In other news, I’m making more thorough efforts to incorporate back stretches into my routine, my brother’s finally got a job again (yay!), and I’m waiting on moderation approval from my distributor to distribute 3 new original music releases to streaming platforms. My second album will, if all goes according to plan, come out on the first of July! My logical friend delivered the beautiful artwork to me this weekend, so my UX song will soon be released to the masses!

I suspect that there will be a delay though. My latest EP was supposed to come out today but it’s still not been approved by the moderation team. Sigh. They take 9-12 working days to approve things apparently, so I’m going to email support once that time is up to make something happen. Routenote is really rather pathetic but at least I ain’t wasting money on its inefficiency.

I’ve also started editing together a making of video for how I produced one of my more recent songs. It’s a fun thing to obsess over when I should be doing other things, but sometimes that means it draws me away from job hunt work. I wish I could just switch off completely or focus on only that, but when I do I feel bad about not doing job stuff.

Maybe a context change would help. I should probably go on holiday at some point. It’s summer. Tis the season. I can’t remember when I last had a holiday and a change of scenery would be nice.

Jobbing and Music

Good evening. I started writing this blog post in the morning, which was weird considering the time I went to sleep the night before, but I figured I might as well make the most of having a full day ahead of me.

The job hunt is ongoing. I’m struggling to summon the motivation to apply to anything when most of my applications go rejected or completely unacknowleged by employers. My expectations are low. It’s been a couple of months and the closest things I have to positive job leads are: a user research role that asked me to complete a “15 minute” research plan task in order to qualify for an interview (you bet I tried to spend as little time on that as possible), and business guy’s reluctant offer to pay me as a freelance consultant, which I have since decided to reject. The project he has for me is not the kind of work I want to do and is not worth the additional anxiety of figuring out how the fuck one prices the creation of an MVP.

I used to tailor my job applications as much as possible and apply through the company website, but the only application I’ve received a semi-positive response to is the one I used LinkedIn easyapply for. Subsequently, I’ve been doing lackluster applications solely through LinkedIn easyapply because I haven’t had the energy to do anything else (I’m nocturnal with back pain that randomly comes and goes and does nothing for my mood).

I’m supposed to apply for at least 5 jobs over the course of 2 weeks as part of my Job Search Allowance commitments. In practice, this has translated to one week of relaxation, one week of job search panic, and a relieved mozy about town post-Jobcentre appointment. I have my appointments every other Friday morning, which helps me switch off over the weekend.

Music, as usual, has been my main distraction from how much everything sucks. I performed in my first rock choir gig a few weeks ago, and have my next one on the first of June (I’m meeting up with an old work colleague who lives in the area afterwards). My new EP comes out at the end of May, on Sunday my logical friend is going to deliver the album artwork that will finally enable the release of my second album, and I’ve been working on recording a new song and filming the process for my YouTube channel. The latter has been my most recent and distracting hobby project (the song is, unsurprisingly, about being nocturnal and demotivated while unemployed).

Also, some royalties recently came in for the folk club albums I worked on with university friends during my degree. I find music admin relaxing and I’m the only member of the ex-committee with access to the account (I tried to distribute some of the money to the current folk club last time and learned that the group no longer exists), so I’ve essentially taken on management of that in my free time. The distribution platform we use only pays out once we’ve earned over $50, so it takes a while for funds to accrue. It took 18 months this time around.

None of us expected to make money out of these albums, so arranging how to split royalties is a bit haphazard. Currency conversions and royalty splits mean that none of us are earning much from it, but I’m excited that we’re earning royalties at all. I need to check a few things before I go about royalty distribution this time around and flare ups have been slowing me down, but at least this feels like something good in amongst everything else.

Music feels like the one thing I can handle right now.

Niche roles

As of today, the boiler is fixed (I wonder how long that will last), I have applied to 3 jobs and my sleep schedule is maybe evening out? It’s amazing how much more time you have to do stuff when you get up before 1pm.

Turns out that menstruating wakes me up at sensible-ish times of the morning varying from 6-9AM, no matter how late I go to bed. My period also has the effect of me seesawing between the emotional extremes of wanting to punch the world and wanting to profess my undying adoration of my friends/family (while simultaneously trying to eat EVERYTHING). Then again, that could be a side effect of being unemployed. Who knows.

Business Guy hasn’t responded to my LinkedIn message yet, which is a relief if I’m being honest with myself. Managing boundaries with him, while completely necessary and a good thing to do with a potential employer, stresses me out.

I’m feeling a bit better for having actually applied to things. I finished my 2 half-hearted civil service applications and then spent yesterday completely rewriting my CV for a role Indeed suggested to me. It’s a role that’s completely out of the left-field at a presentation design agency.

It’s a consultancy role that sounds near-perfect for me, if I’ve understood the job ad correctly. The team bios make me smile, the whole concept of the agency ties into what I love doing (helping people understand stuff!), they’re looking for aptitude rather than experience because they’ll expect to train up a new hire, and it’s a remote job!

It’s been a while since I’ve last felt this genuinely interested in a job I’ve applied to. I think I might actually stand a chance with this application!? Figures that it’s a weird-ass niche job title that I didn’t know existed. I had to completely rewrite my CV to remove the worst of my tech, research and UX jargon to tailor it to the role at hand. It’s that different to the other roles I’m applying to at the moment. Perhaps more creative? I’m trying not to get my hopes up with this one but I guess we’ll see how it goes. My instincts have been pretty accurate for job stuff so far.

Anyway. I have my next Jobcentre appointment on Friday so let’s keep this energy going!

Jobbing about

I’m stuck in this weird limbo period of having a decent idea of what I want to do but no way of doing it. I could apply to apprenticeship roles that I’m overqualified for and that won’t pay me enough to live on in hopes of getting the experience required for the role I want, I am currently applying to research jobs I doubt I’m experienced enough to land, the roles I might stand a chance at experience-wise require me to work on-site or on the other side of the country (which is not practical for me right now), I can’t find any local volunteering opportunities that interest me, and I can’t retrain as a software developer because that will fuck with my arms.

I forced myself to message Business Guy back the other week, so that’s something. Haven’t heard anything more from him yet but it’s a Bank Holiday weekend and he did say that he was on holiday, so his silence is unsurprising. I basically told him “yes, I’m interested in being brought on as a paid consultant. Here are some of the things I could do on this project, but am open to discussing other tasks”. Ball’s in his park now. I can’t calculate how much I should charge him until I know what work he wants me to do.

I found out via LinkedIn that the brand I applied to at my old workplace when I learned I was being made redundant is now advertising a fucking UX research graduate scheme role. Motherfuckers. Where was that when I needed it?! When did they decide to make that a thing?? I can’t apply to it because I’m not allowed to apply to roles within the brand portfolio until 6 months have passed since my termination.

Even if I could apply to it now, I’m not sure that I would. It would be more of a conversation with the hiring manager (who I sort of know) to say “hey. I’ve already done UX grad scheme onboarding crap. Can we fast-forward to the job part of this job if I apply to this?”. Then, if I got the job, I’d be awkwardly hanging out at the office with a mixture of the people I said goodbye to and the people I can’t stand.

I’ve got my next JSA appointment at the Jobcentre on Friday. I haven’t applied to anything since my last appointment 2 weeks ago. I have a couple of roles I’m halfway through half-heartedly applying to that I’m certain I won’t get but am forcing myself to apply for anyway.

I’m so fucking tired. I’ve only been out of work a couple of months but I hate the job hunt and everything that comes with it. I picked a crap time to specialise and, on top of that, we haven’t had hot water in the flat for a whole fucking week now. Oh the joys of a Bank Holiday. How special. How fun. Hopefully yours is going better than mine.

Water and messages

It’s been an odd week or so. On Saturday I went to my first rock choir gig, on Sunday I went home-home to deliver my brother’s birthday present, on Monday the gas contractor came to deal with the boiler, and yesterday business guy messaged me.

2 things have come out of this.

1. The flat now has no hot water for as long as it takes them to get a replacement part for our apparently new but incredibly shitty boiler. 5 fucking appointments (3 with plumbers, 2 with gas contractors) and the problem keeps getting worse. It’s just as well my flatmate handled the most recent appointment, because I think I would’ve lost it. My polymath friend has kindly offered her shower to us in the meantime.
2. Business guy has suggested taking me on as a paid contractor for his startup stuff. Initially I was happy about this because yay money and experience, but the more I think about it the more nervous I get. I don’t trust him. He only decided to pay me when I said I’m not doing unpaid work. I don’t know how to scope the project he would like me to work on, or how to calculate my project rates, but I guess there’s only one way to figure that out. It’s been a day since his message. I don’t know how to respond to it but I know I need to respond.

The end result is that I have applied for fuck all jobs this week. The weekend was so nice and relaxing that I couldn’t bring myself to ruin my mood with the pains of job hunting. Then boiler shit happened and the business guy message happened, and getting myself to eat, sleep and not panic became the priority. I was going to make myself respond to business guy’s message today but it just wasn’t happening. I’m gonna try again with throwing myself into the research for that tomorrow.

I don’t know why all the stuff with him freaks me out so much. I’ve got literally nothing to lose here. Either I end up working with him or I don’t. Working for him is not my end-goal, a full-time accessibility consultant role is, so this should not be a big deal.

Perhaps I’m scared of underselling myself for the nth time. The last time I had to do freelance salary negotiations was with my fashion friend’s mum back in 2021. That wasn’t as scary. I did my research into how I should be paid, we had a chat over the phone to decide on the final figure, and I trusted that she wasn’t trying to screw me over beyond what made good business sense. Business guy is anything but transparent about budget, and I can’t tell if it’s cause he’s a manipulative fuck or if it’s cause this is how startups work (the more I learn about the finances behind startups the more I want to throttle someone), though I suppose it could be both. Agh.

I don’t know what to say to him and I’m afraid of being taken advantage of again. I need to be very specific with outlining what and how much I am willing to do, and what that will cost. I need to get it in writing to avoid scope creep.

This is going to require stakeholder wrangling and a careful analysis of what I am capable of doing for his startup pitch. I suspect that business guy just wants me to review website designs, which is not impossible but ignores the fact that I’m a fucking researcher. That’s okay though. I can find out if he’s educatable because, if he is, that will make my job a lot easier. Then I can educate him. If he’s not educatable then I’ll do what is within reason for me to do. It’ll be fine. This can’t go as badly as the nightmare internship did. I won’t let it.

In other news, my EP is probably going to come out either this month or the next, so that’ll be nice.

Startup Conundrums

I had one of those slightly surreal conversations with dad in the hot tub a while back around Easter. It was one of those conversations where he’s basically discussing his view of my brother and I from his perspective as a parent. It’s the kind of thing I used to eavesdrop on as a kid.

Dad thinks I’m a control freak. I didn’t think I was, but now I’m wondering if I am.

I don’t need to be in charge of things. A lot of the time I don’t want to be, but I do tend to end up in charge of things. That usually happens so I can try and get the things done faster or to standards that are more to my liking. When I cook for visitors I will occasionally ask my flatmate for assistance or advice, but I otherwise have complete control over the meal. Does that make me a control freak? Maybe…

Anyway, dad thinks I’d do well in a startup. I’m not sure I agree with that, because I like being paid enough money to fucking live off, at the very minimum. I like security. From where I’m standing, a startup is rarely that, especially in the current economic climate.

Business guy from the nightmare internship got in touch last week after seeing my “reintroducing myself to my network” post on LinkedIn. His response to my public statement of the opportunities I’m interested in and the fact that I’ve been out of work for about a month now, was to message and ask if I’m interested in his latest startup idea. I indulged him with a call, and the pitch did sound interesting, but I do not trust him. I also suspect that he either didn’t read to the end of my post or didn’t understand the part where I clearly stated that I was interested in user research and/or digital accessibility opportunities.

I reckon that business guy is only interested in me as a means to an end. This would be fine if we were working together in some sort of big corporate company and I was being paid for the bullshit, but no. It’s a startup pitch. Money hasn’t come up in our conversations at all and, if this thing is anywhere near as small as the nightmare internship startup was, we’ll be working closely together on something intense (startups are always intense). He’s expecting me to work for free, as far as I can tell, while unemployed, and yet I was the person initiating the “long time, no see, how’ve you been” small talk at the start of the call. Dude should be buttering me up a helluva lot more.

He asked me if I was interested and I said yes. Whether I’m interested in the idea he’s pitching is not the issue here – it’s whether I’m willing to work for no pay for an undefined amount of time with a guy who’s proven himself to be a manipulative, unprofessional pessimist in the past, while I’m job hunting. The only reason I’m considering it is because I don’t know how else to get relevant work experience during my unemployed off-period.

Also, business guy was having to work around the intense CEO of the nightmare internship last time. Perhaps business guy will be easier to work with minus intense guy? Am I being overly pessimistic about this opportunity or should I trust the dread in my gut that has completely stopped me from doing any work on this project so far?

I’m stuck on this fence and have been asking everyone for advice. My fashion friend, who does all sorts of creative freelancing, is vehemently unimpressed by him; my polymath friend advised me to sleep on it and consider whether I can get the experience another way cause it sounds like he’ll be getting a bargain out of me; my ex-mentor (who’s mentored startup leaders) suggested that I clearly outline the scope of what I’m willing to work on to help set boundaries and make him value the work I do; and dad (who’s run the technical side of a successful startup in the past) said to not do it if I don’t trust the guy but that I could put some time-limited effort into trusting him if I want.

At the end of the day, the fact that the project hasn’t excited me enough to spark a creative flow state of automatically working on it the way I do with music and hobby projects probably says something. It’s been a week. I’m going to give the documents business guy sent me one last lookover tomorrow, and make a decision.

What I suspect I’ll do is message him to politely say that some other projects have come up which means that I no longer have capacity to work on his thing. I’ve got all this time – I might as well do work that sparks joy rather than dread alongside my job hunt.

I am going to record music and write stories and film squeaky toys. I WILL find some volunteering that suits me. Somehow. Somewhere. I finally have unlimited hobby time. I am going to make it fucking count.

If I’m gonna dive into something outside of the job hunt, for the love of God, let it be fun.

Acceptance

I think, and I say this hesitantly, I’ve finally accepted that it’s okay for me to not talk to the head of product at my old company ever again.

I don’t want to talk to him, but I ignored that feeling at first because he said to leverage him in my job hunt. Not taking him up on such a blatant offer of help felt like an opportunity I shouldn’t waste in the current job market, but I couldn’t get myself to do it.

Instead, yesterday I forced myself to do a post on LinkedIn inspired by other things I’ve seen in my network. I didn’t talk about my redundancy; I did a mini reintroduction to who I am and what I’m looking for career-wise, a month on from wrapping up at my previous job. I also turned my “open to work” profile picture frame on (the Google recruiters who say that turning that feature on looks desperate can go fuck themselves). My post said everything that I would have tried to say to the head of product about what I’m looking for in a role, so what’s the point in messaging him about it? He liked the post, so I know that he’s seen it. I can’t be arsed to be any more direct with him than that. Here’s my situation. If you can help, help.

I deliberately stuck a paragraph about my hobbies into the post. Is it relevant? Maybe. I’ve been hired for my writing skills in the past, and I wouldn’t have those without my creative writing obsession. Either way, I want people to know who they’re hiring. You don’t get to escape my random-ass hobby projects easily if I’m happy in a role – I get on best with small, creative teams that aren’t intimidated by my creative outlets or afraid to let me get shit done.

I deliberated over whether I should mention my redundancy in the post or not. Cons are that I’m not sure how to talk about my redundancy experience in a positive, constructive way, but pros are that a lot of people in my industry are going through or have been through redundancies and will want to help, give me advice or express their sympathy. I decided to err on the side of caution and not mention it at all, as recommended by the outplacement services programme. I don’t want sympathy from people who don’t know me at this stage of things anyway. I’d like assistance more tangible than that.

I was pleasantly surprised by the response to my post. I got 2 comments on it for traction, one repost, lots of likes, and a DM from a developer who I worked with on accessibility (he cared enough about the topic to “go rogue”, as the head of product phrased it at the time, and I later learned that the developer is colour blind) at one point. He sent me a link to a remote contract product designer maternity cover role at his current company that he offered to refer me to. It’s not the kind of role I’m looking for, but I was touched by how immediately he reached out (he also complimented my music in his message!). I’ll figure out how to respond to him tomorrow.

A month has passed since I was made redundant. I’ve only applied to 4 jobs so far, mostly because I was going through all the outplacement services stuff and grieving my income, even though I wasn’t overly fond of its source. I did briefly try to take a break from job hunt stuff, but that made me feel a hell of a lot worse, and then my lower back pain came back for a week to fuck with my physical ability to apply for jobs. The back pain has gone now, but I’ve decided to maintain my standing ergonomic set up for the time being because I theorise that it’s better for my health in the long run.

Anyway, after having my first JSA appointment last week, I’m feeling weirdly rejuvenated. Something about having an appointment with a live person who has a sunflower lanyard like I used to at work (yellow sunflowers on a green background = the wearer having an invisible disability) reminded me that these people want to help me and are human. They’re not going to be dicks about the fact that I’m trying.

I was worried that I wouldn’t have done enough job hunting stuff for the job centre’s liking, but that didn’t even come up. As usual, the only high standards I’m not meeting are my own. I applied to 5 jobs while going through the redundancy process itself, and had an interview for one of them. I should at least try to account for my stress levels (physical and emotional) when calculating my definition of “good enough”.

Anyway, my sleep schedule may be irrevocably screwed up and I have spent over 300 fucking quid on glasses (don’t ask) while prices for EVERYTHING keep rising, but I am forcing myself to leave the flat every other day (even if it’s only briefly), drink at least 2 cups of water a day, do a LinkedIn post every week, and plan my cooking a bit more. I have reinstigated my “only allowed to buy chocolate every other day” rule via the Finch app’s positive reinforcement, and am getting a kick out of receiving vouchers from research participation surveys (I’ve so far earned 2 Amazon vouchers and one Tesco voucher for obsessively completing surveys on the Toluna Influencers app. I need a new rule to deal with the RSI flare ups it gives me though).

I reckon that I need some volunteering in my life so I’m getting more social interaction out of my week. I’ll be relieved when rock choir starts up again next week, but, that being said, I could be doing a lot worse. My polymath friend introduced me to the miracle that is adding balsamic vinegar to lettuce, so I made veggie shepherd’s pie and a slightly experimental salad for when she came over to our flat on Monday.

I don’t know where I’m going exactly, but it’s only been a month. I’ll get somewhere eventually. It’s too early to panic.